I often have the task, or should I say the pleasure of working with marriages at the end of their rope. One or both of the persons is “done” with the other. So much anger and resentment present, killing any chance of reconciliation. But, is this the best course for these marriages?

I have seen marriages reunited and successfully put on course. It takes work. It takes hope and it takes faith. We must be willing to put feelings aside and believe that God can restore long lost love.

I recently was sent information on a study from the University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Family and Households.

They followed 645 couples who were extremely unhappy. Five years later they re-interviewed the couples. What they uncovered was amazing.

AmericanValues.org, in its executive summary of this study listed the following three conclusions that shocked so many.

1. Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

2. Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Here’s the best part…

3. About two-thirds of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later. The unhappiest marriages experienced the most dramatic turnarounds: 78% of adults who said their marriages were very unhappy and who avoided divorce ended up happily married five years later.

These findings are very surprising in a culture that teaches us divorce is an easy way to end your problems quickly.

What I have recognized in working with marriages is the marriage is healable is the parties are willing to follow Jesus’ advice to remove the plank from their own eye. This is the first priority in any healing. Whether from the hurts of marriage, or the trauma of the past, our pain comes from what we believe, and is further aggravated by our years of resentment.

Following the plain directions of scripture moves us toward decreased pain. Low self esteem gives way to increased God esteem. My book identifies simple ways towards this healing.

But first we must stop the choices to leave and turn back towards our spouse and toward our God. Are you one of the 78% of those that can find renewed happiness? By just sticking it out. It is time to work just as hard to restore our relationships as we have worked to get out of them.